"Pregnancy is amazing," they said. "You'll never feel better, you will have so much energy... you will just be radiating that coveted pregnancy glow." Five weeks into my pregnancy, I threw up for the first time. Little did I know what was ahead of me: 23 weeks of on & off vomiting (sometimes vomiting up to 10+ times a day), 3 trips to the Emergency Room for an IV drip & 3 medications (Bonjesta, Zofran & Reglan) to try and curb the sickness. While the meds (somewhat) helped, in the end, the only solution was time.

I had a mild case of hyperemesis gravidarum and truly cannot imagine if I had the full-on version, which basically means you vomit everyday, can't keep food or liquids down and need constant hospitalization (shout out to any lady who has had this (including Kate Middleton & Amy Schumer), I CANNOT IMAGINE, you are a WARRIOR. 

What sucked the most of all of this wasn't just the pure act of being sick - it was that I felt down and pretty sad almost every day. I never felt worse in my whole life and quite frankly I felt borderline depressed. I am an extremely upbeat person and super positive, but 6+ months of daily sickness is enough to drive anyone to the brink. As a result, I felt like I didn't connect with the baby boy I was growing inside me - in fact, I kind of resented him, along with my own body. Why me? Why does this pregnancy suck so bad!? Why was I dealt this terrible card? When he would kick, I would feel more nauseous and wished he would stop. In turn, I then felt bad for wishing it, and felt bad for resenting him. I felt like I was being too selfish and throwing a pity party for myself. My child has no control over this, so why am I feeling all of this negative energy towards him? That's not what a "good" mom does -  This emotional roller coaster cycle continued. 

I wished each day away, trying to keep my eye on the prize of when my due date would arrive. I would give anything to get this baby out of me and to finally start feeling better and back to my normal self - Again, selfish thoughts and motives, but I couldn't help it - I was purely in survival mode. 

What I learned through most of this experience is that it's okay to not enjoy something that you "should" be enjoying, and it's okay to be selfish. I have no shame in saying my pregnancy was the worst experience of my whole life. I truly did not enjoy one minute of it. They said I would forget how bad the pregnancy was once I held him in my arms - and to be honest, that is definitely not true and I will never forget it, but I am so proud of getting through it and so proud of my body for powering through and creating such a miracle. 

Now that my son is here, I am over the moon to have him healthy & safe (considering all that he went through with my sickness + dehydration + medications) and I'm also over the moon that I have my body and health back.

I think as women we sometimes lose our identity when we have children - they become our whole world and we often put ourselves second. It's okay to put yourself first - you should come first. But when we do, we in turn feel bad and selfish. It's a normal cycle that will never go away, but practicing self love and care will be the best gift you can give your child. 

The bright side is - now that he's here and we are dealing with long days of infant crying & sleepless nights, I carry a perspective that I would take him being here with all the infant struggles over being pregnant any day - having the ability to compare and look back to say "thank god I am through that" helps power you through other struggles and makes them not seem as bad. Silver lining!