“A Not-So Buttery Nipple” A Short Story by Puja

Twenty minutes after I had given birth to my son, Jackson, the one and only nurse and lactation consultant literally stuck him onto my right breast. What?! I just had a human being come out of a very small place, and had just finished getting my stitches; can I at least get a minute to soak in the big life change that just happened? The answer: no. While being pregnant, everyone talks about breastfeeding, asking whether you will or won’t. Most women, including myself, may be of the mindset to of course try breastfeeding, and see how it goes. But little did I know, the breastfeeding journey would begin so soon, and it would see a difficult start.

Mom and Baby

“Come on Jackson, latch on, come on Jackson, you can do this.” What?! He is not even twenty minutes old and he was expected to know how to get onto the nipple and start working to get colostrum. Oh yeah, not even breast milk. Colostrum is the first secretion from the mammary glands after giving birth, basically it looks like a clear liquid, and there is not much of it but is supposed to sustain the baby until the breast milk “comes in.” Jackson continues to try to latch, and takes him a while, (you know, because he was just born). The lactation consultant starts tickling his jaw, giving him words of encouragement, telling me to relax and breathe. Relax? I just gave birth, and feel like Jackson and I are about to fail a test if we do not get this right. 

There is so much external pressure around breastfeeding before giving birth, but the struggle was real right after. Every person I encountered at the short hospital stay was advocating for breastfeeding. While I know the benefits of doing so, I did not know all the other changes that would come with such a decision. Jackson latched on and did his thing on his new food source, but he is a new baby, he was getting so little “food” that he was constantly hungry, so I was consistently putting him on the breast (as there was no other option, right!?). Wrong.

Within twelve hours of Jackson’s life, my nipples were cracked and they hurt more than my stitches did. How is that possible? Why did no one warn me? Why is no one telling me what I can do? During the first night, the nurse brought him into the room multiple times to eat, but he would just keep crying before and after his feedings. I was in what felt like a vicious cycle; my nipples were in so much pain, my baby was crying nonstop. I would put him on the breast and I would also cry from the sheer pain. It was not until the second day of his life the nurses told me healing tips such as using expressed breast milk, warm compresses, nipple butter, and applying lanolin before the baby latches. “Great,” I thought. “That would have been helpful to know before you put him onto my breast.” It helped a little, but the pain was still there. I even questioned whether breast feeding was for me, as it looked so difficult and stressful already, and Jackson had not been on this planet for more than 24 hours. 

The vicious cycle continued throughout the day, every two hours I was trying to feed him, and every two hours I was dreading the sharp pain of the cracked nipples. The nurse told me to feed him over and over again. So what do you do? Nothing. You deal with the pain and feed, and feed, and feed. What the nurse did not tell me was that he was not getting enough colostrum, and he was starving. Mom Guilt Alert! When the pediatrician came to discharge him, she told us he had lost about 10% of his birth weight and was at risk for jaundice. That’s a way to scare a new mom. So, I explained to her what had been happening, and she smiles and goes “you should have just given him formula.” Just like that, very simply, as if it were so obvious.  

Why had no one suggested formula? I kick myself to this day that I should have just asked them for some baby formula, but I did not, because I assumed they knew better. While I knew everyone was pushing breastfeeding, I still should have advocated for Jackson. I should have asked or called the pediatrician. It is always easier in hindsight to understand, and as a new mom, who just delivered a baby, you are not thinking so clearly, there is simply too much going on. New mamas, if you are breastfeeding, give your baby formula (if you are comfortable with that) until your milk comes in (it could take a few days). While their stomachs are tiny, they are hungry. Advocate for yourself and the baby, and do not always assume everyone else knows best. We ended up going to the pediatrician five days in a row to have his weight and jaundice levels checked, (which, by the way, is not fun when you are still recovering from delivery and are exhausted beyond belief). I wish someone had told me; ‘give the baby formula at the hospital if you need it, it will be okay, your milk will still come in.’ It would have changed my hospital experience and kept me from days upon days of anxiety and worry.