Being The Non-Carrying Mommy
Guest Post By: Claude Silver (she/her)
Claude Silver (she/her) is an emotional optimist, coach, manager, and mentor and is the first ever Chief Heart Officer at VaynerMedia. She and her partner, Andrea Minkow (she/her), are proud parents to their two children Shalom and Edison.
I don't talk about my relationship with being a mom much. I know from afar it's always looked like I have this down pat, and on lock. The truth is before we had Shalom I grappled with what it meant to be a mom, especially since I was not carrying. Especially since I was about to be an "older" mom. Especially since I was a lesbian mom and really didn't know many others like me.
I always knew I was maternal and had a huge heart with the capacity to love many and love big, but as things became more real, the idea of being an actual parent escaped me. I truly couldn't feel it, and other than knowing I wanted to be called Mommy, I felt lost at sea.
As we know, society has a strange relationship to many things that do not fit into lines and boxes. As the non-carrying lesbian parent (we need a new word for this!)—I fell into that category. Questions came my way such as, "are you like the dad?" and "you are not taking maternity leave right?". Every time I responded, I felt I had to "come out" again and again.
It was a surreal time with a loneliness I kept mainly to myself - and at times shared with Andrea who was extremely patient with me fumbling through the abyss of identity.
I was also incredibly fortunate to be in a position at VaynerMedia where we could change our parental benefits to ones that were inclusive of all parents and caregivers. That recognition helped a lot.
The minute Shalom came into the world, my identity changed and I became her Mommy. She didn't know it yet, and I worked very hard to forge a bond with her as she naturally bonded with Andrea (Momma) first. So many dads told me things would change around the 2-year point, and a couple of non-carrying lesbian moms expressed the same. It was a very challenging time for me. It took a good 18 months for me to actually feel like Shalom felt me as that other parent.. but it happened! (Being in a global pandemic and spending 24/7 together helped too!).
Shortly after her 2nd birthday, she said “Mommy" and I about melted. I recorded it of course. Selfishly, it was a huge milestone for me.
And we have been off to the races ever since.
My identity is secure now. I am Mommy and it’s the greatest role I have ever known.
We need to be talking about the many different forms that parenting takes, the many names we are called and some of the unsettling feelings that we all uniquely feel at times.
We need to understand what inclusivity really looks like here so that in periods of doubt there are places to swim to.
No 𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘵𝘺, I am here as a resource for any parent and caregiver, to have deep conversations about the search for our identities.
xo
Big thanks to Brandi Carlile for bravely sharing her experience which has given me courage to share mine 🙏🏼