Judy’s journey through 5 pregnancy losses
“In my darkest moment, I begged my husband to leave me so he could be with someone who could give him kids. He picked me up off the floor, held me in his arms, and told me he’d be with me without kids over anyone else. I love him so much for that.”
—Judy, on shame during infertility and loss
Sitting down with Judy
My husband and I started trying in Sept 2018. I found out I had diminished ovarian reserve, so we moved to IVF in March 2019. In 4 years, 8 months, I've been through: 10 retrievals, 6 embryo transplants, 5 miscarriages (2 from 1st surrogate), 3 D&C's, 2 surrogates later...we are beyond blessed to have welcomed our baby boy in May 2023. Infertility is the loneliest place a person can be even when you know others have gone through it or are going through it, your pain is so personal and so deep. I found so much solace in reading people's stories. We can't talk about it enough because women deserve to feel supported.
I lost pregnancies at 14 weeks, 20 weeks, 9 weeks. My surrogate lost hers at 6 weeks and 10 weeks. After the first one, I didn't even buy pregnancy clothes because I was so scared I would lose the pregnancy. It was heartbreaking to have that come true.
We’re so grateful for your vulnerability in sharing your story with us. Can you describe your experience with loss infertility?
What were some of the most challenging moments?
Carrying two pregnancies through the first trimester only to find something wrong later. Wishing I could be as innocent and naive as all my friends announcing their pregnancies so early on because they didn't know the kind of loss that can be suffered. The time in between knowing my pregnancies weren't viable and the time the surgeries were scheduled. The frustration of not having answers for why things weren't working the way I thought they were supposed to. The helplessness of being back at square zero time and time again, older, more scared, and more haggard after going through another retrieval and another transfer. I could go on and on.
Did you experience feelings of shame or blame? How did you move through that?
Only from myself. I called myself a failure every day, I think, for 3.5 years. I learned to give myself grace. I read a lot of books. I journaled. I tried so many types of therapy. I learned to process my grief in a healthier way. I educated myself on the IVF process so I could be my own best advocate. I sought 2nd, 3rd opinions. I read stories on all sorts of online forums. I think this helped me the most because I felt so much less alone. I made a plan A, B, and C to get us to a baby. I channeled my sadness, anger, and frustration into figuring this out and giving it my best shot. Because I knew if I did that, and it didn't work out, I could at least say I tried everything and be at peace with the outcome.
I experienced so much self-imposed shame. I am my own worst critic and was so hard on myself. I wish so deeply for all women to give themselves grace. I have learned to, and I regret not doing it earlier. I was so unaccustomed to failure that I blamed myself for everything. I would lie awake wondering if I didn't cook my food well enough or took the wrong prenatals or put too much pressure on my body during a run. It was psychotic. In my darkest moment, I begged my husband to leave me so he could be with someone who could give him kids. He picked me up off the floor, held me in his arms, and told me he'd be me with me without kids over anyone else. I love him so much for that.
I never felt comfortable sharing beyond my family because I really think so few people truly understand. The people I shared most with were other women who'd gone through this—some are now close friends while others remain anonymous women online. I find that friends are incredibly well-meaning but try to offer solutions that simply don't work or ask a lot of questions in an effort to show they care that really just gave me more anxiety. I think everyone needs to find the support that is right for them. For me, it meant more to me hear from women who understand this unique and specific pain and loss.
“Now, I feel like I'm so much stronger—I can handle any kind of tough conflict because nothing will be harder than what I went through to have a baby. I also live a life with more clarity and a better sense of who I am.”
JUDY, ON STRENGTH AFTER LOSS & INFERTILITY
What does life look like today? What are some ways you’ve honored your losses?
Leo is 4 months old as of today and is my pride and joy. We live in San Francisco with the sweetest goldendoodle. My husband is an amazing partner. While I am in awe of how far science has come, I'm also humbled by how little we know -- after all, my first two losses were attributed to "bad luck" initially. I know that this could have gone another way (in fact, it has 5 times) and maybe another version of me is living a life somewhere, childless, content and happy. That is my biggest wish for women going through this. That you will try your best, whatever that means to you, and find happiness and peace in the outcome. And maybe my story will give you hope as so many others have for me.
We have ashes, handprints and footprints from our first two pregnancies. The others were too early on. We have kept it all.
I found so much solace in reading people's stories. We can't talk about it enough because women deserve to feel supported. You don't have to grieve alone. I hope to share my story - the painful, nightmarish 4.5 years I spent feeling like a failure, but determined to carry on in the hopes that it can help other people on their darkest days. There is a beautiful quote from the French philosopher Albert Camus, "In the midst of winter, I found, within me, an invincible summer." We are all capable of finding that within ourselves -- finding ourselves within our suffering and piecing our lives back together to achieve what we want.
What advice do you have for people going through loss and infertility?
Were there aspects about your experience that felt empowering or uplifting? What are some ways it may have changed you, shaped you, or made you stronger?
About 3 years in, I stopped feeling sad all the time. I still had really hard days where I cried a lot, but I started to feel angry and more determined to beat this. I started to think to myself that my story isn't going to be that infertility caused me to lose my sense of self. I don't want to be a victim of this. I'm going to try my best and no matter the outcome, I'm going to live a full, purposeful life. Now, I feel like I'm so much stronger—I can handle any kind of tough conflict because nothing will be harder than what I went through to have a baby. I also live a life with more clarity and a better sense of who I am. I fell into a dark abyss and climbed my way out. I know what's worth my time and what isn't. I know what I want to do with my life. I know who I want to spend it with.
You’re not in this alone
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