A Guide For Grief: Featuring Pockets of Light
Pockets of Light is an organization based in Montclair, New Jersey, offering support and community to grieving parents, and a safe environment in which they can share stories and begin the healing process.
After establishing Pockets of Light as a result of their own loss, the three co-founders understand how painful and devastating this period can be. “We sadly cannot take away your pain, but together, we can grieve, love, and honor our babies– and help each other find Pockets of Light as we work toward healing,” Pockets of Light co-founders say on their site.
Pockets of Light opened its doors in 2016, and since then has been providing grieving parents with group counseling and (now virtual) events. Poppy Seed Health collaborated with Pockets of Light to create this guide--for both navigating the grieving process, and offering tips on how to support loved ones going through it themselves.
Losing a child, no matter how it takes place, is one of the most difficult experiences we can face. There are no words to express the deep pain it can cause. As we work to understand the grieving process, and all that goes into it, it is important to remember that loss is far more prevalent than is talked about openly: you are not alone.
See our resource guide on navigating loss, and how to support those going through it.
How to Navigate the Grieving Process
For Mama, For Partner, and for Family
For Mama: You may feel a range of emotions, from sadness, anger, hopelessness, and disbelief. All of these feelings are normal, and it is possible to move through them in a healthy way. The key to navigating this period is to remain in close contact with your healthcare team, and partner if you have one, so that you have support and guidance to help you along the way.
If you are still undergoing various medical procedures to settle your loss, try to prioritize your health and healing as much as possible. Ample fluids, eating nutritious food, and following the directions of your physician are key during this time.
As you cope medically with the loss, take the time to do what feels right in order to cope emotionally, as well. Whether you turn to the support of family, a therapist, peer support, spiritual guidance, or self care, there is no wrong way to grieve. However much or little you choose to do is entirely in your control.
As you mourn this loss, you may wish to look into support groups, to hear common practices of navigating pregnancy and infant loss. Pockets of Light offers numerous support services and groups for you to consider.
For Partner: There is a lot of conversation in the perinatal loss world right now about how overlooked Partners/Fathers are in these situations. Both parents, together, have lost their baby, and will need to navigate their grief by communicating and receiving support.
Partners/Fathers are often asked to push their grief down, “be strong,” and support their partner. We try to emphasize that Partners/Fathers grieve in their own way, and while they may not have had the physical aspect of the pregnancy or loss, they had their own love, hope, and dreams for their baby, too. We often see in our groups as Partners/Fathers are “allowed” to grieve the loss, their partners find it helpful to know that they are in this together.
As you work to support your partner, consider being open in your grieving. Whether you share the emotions you’re facing with friends, family, your partner, or a support group, being open about all that you’re experiencing can be invaluable in working to heal.
You may be facing multiple stages of grief, including denial, or self-blame. It’s important to know that grief after the loss of a baby is unpredictable, and will not follow any particular pattern. You will have ups and downs.
You are not alone. If you’re not ready to discuss your emotions, consider reading the stories of other Partners/Fathers who have experienced a loss like yours.
For Family: For many parents, one of the most difficult after-effects of loss is having to communicate with family members about the loss. Perhaps you already have children who were expecting a sibling, or parents who were excited to become grandparents; the list goes on. It’s important to relay the news however feels best to you; consider doing it in writing, or asking one family member to be the assigned communicator, relaying the information on your behalf, and asking for the kind of support you need at this time.
As you work through this period, consider these online resources:
'How I Told My Mother About My Miscarriage' (Womens Health Magazine, 2018)
‘Age-Appropriate Ways to Explain Miscarriage to a Child’ (VeryWell Family, 2020)
‘How to share news of a miscarriage’ (Chicago Tribune, 2017)
How to Support Those Grieving
For Family and Friends whose loved ones have had a loss
When a pregnancy loss occurs, you may think it’s best not to talk about it, to avoid upsetting your loved one who experienced the loss. It’s important to ask your loved one how they prefer to be supported.
The first tip for supporting those grieving is to listen. Even if you’ve heard the story multiple times, allow your loved ones to verbally process their loss, and be attentive when hearing them.
The next tip is to watch. Is your loved one caring properly for their health? It can be easy to lose sight of self care when grieving, or have a physical reaction to the grief. If your loved one appears to be losing sleep, not eating, or sleeping too much, encourage them to prioritize their health.
What to say:
For starters, “I am sorry for your loss.”
Tell your loved one that their reactions and feelings are normal, and necessary. Jot down the anniversary of their loss, and check-in the next year to ensure they’re okay. Tell them that you’re available to support them, and reiterate your willingness to listen whenever they need it.
Research resources for them, and make suggestions on support groups to join or podcasts to listen to.
What not to say:
Nothing: don’t avoid the uncomfortable conversations. Check-in, ask how your loved one is coping. Ask if there’s anything you can do to help.
Minimizing statements: “You’re young, you can try again.” “At least you already have one child.” “At least you didn’t know them.” These phrases diminish the pain your loved one is experiencing, and can cause feelings of inadequacy. Avoid them.
“It wasn’t meant to be.” Your loved one has lost their baby, and all of their hopes and dreams for it. Give them grace, and avoid cliches which can often work to discredit what they’re going through.
Pockets of Light offers the following support services:
MISCARRIAGE SUPPORT GROUP
This group is a weekly drop-in group that offers a safe environment in which participants can openly share their feelings and thoughts after experiencing a miscarriage. We encourage couples to attend together.
STILLBIRTH & EARLY INFANT LOSS GROUP
This group is a closed, weekly group that typically runs for 7 consecutive weeks. Our trained facilitators, who have experienced loss themselves, offer a safe place for parents to share, listen, and remember their babies. We will touch on topics such as: the differences in grieving between men and women, managing family and friends, how to deal with doctors and nurses, how to cope with triggers and special occasions, as well as any other topics that are important to group members. We encourage couples to attend together.
INDIVIDUAL PEER SUPPORT
Many bereaved parents do not wish to share their thoughts and feelings with others following a loss. We understand and offer individual support to those who wish to speak one on one.
Additional Resources and Support Available
The Institute for the Study of Birth, Breath, and Death: A professional organization dedicated to furthering the development and professional skill set of those called to hold space for mindful birthing, living, and dying. They offer webinars and trainings on compassionate care, mindfulness, and more.
For a limited-time: In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, The Institute for the Study of Birth, Breath, and Death is now offering a tuition discount for their 15-hour, self-guided Holding Space for Pregnancy Loss training. Learn more today.
The MISS Foundation : An international, volunteer-based nonprofit providing counseling, advocacy, research, and education services to families experiencing the death of a child. They offer online forums for a variety of needs, educational resources, and more.
Bereaved Parents of the USA: National nonprofit led by bereaved parents who have lost children at any age. The organization provides support, resources, groups, and a newsletter.