Sacred Moments: A Series
This month we kick off our new series with model and new mother, Grace Mahary.
Both the act of becoming and being a mother are riddled with complicated juxtapositions. We oscillate between a place of freedom and dependency, time to ourselves and being utterly inseparable, and being selfish or blindly selfless. The moment in between each of these contrasts tends to show itself in the form of guilt. And if we sit on that emotional seesaw too long, regret has a way of slowly seeping in.
In recent years, the editorial and wellness worlds have shamelessly plugged the idea of self-care—how to do it, what it looks like, and why you should be wholeheartedly unapologetic about it. In theory, how wonderful? But, in practice, the reality is at best daunting and, at worst, impractical—if not impossible.
What becoming and being a mother sharply bring into focus is the fact that, when we do have time alone, it’s sacred. And no matter how we choose to spend that time, it’s one simple thing: ours. Taking time to be, to breathe, and sometimes, just to bathe, isn’t always as easy as it sounds. This is especially true once we cross the threshold into parenthood. So we sat down with the exquisite Grace Mahary, a new mother (and a Covid parent, to boot) to discuss what becoming and being a parent means to her.
“I respect the person I was before becoming a mother and I am grateful for the person I am becoming as a new mama.”
BECOMING
How did motherhood come to be for you? And was it everything you expected—or were there doubts, fears, and/or expectations you found yourself having to kind of recalibrate?
My reservations about becoming a mother were the shared fears many other women have about career, identity, and lifestyle changes. But what I realized was my biggest fear towards motherhood was seeing how challenging my mother’s life was taking care of my father, who is quadriplegic, and my brothers and I, their three children. I didn’t realize how deeply it impacted me, watching my mom work tirelessly every single day with no help.
When I had my daughter, the first few weeks I was a mixed bag of emotions: absolutely in love with our precious baby and also exhausted and tearful wondering how the hell to do this all. The recalibration for me was surrendering. I reminded myself that it’s okay to not be in control and that when you surrender and let life happen you make space for change and new experiences.
Crossing the threshold into motherhood can sometimes be fraught with emotionally taxing after-effects, like postpartum depression and/or isolation, or a certain kind of identity crisis (who you were before vs. who you are now). Do you relate, and did you find this certain life segue challenging in any way?
Everyday!! I feel the pull between getting back into my career and giving more to my child. They say having children forces you to be more productive with your time but I’m still trying to find that balance. It’s hard to work in the short intervals before you’re called to another task as a mother — also, can we just rest in those spare minutes?
Emotionally, I find the most recurring challenge is to be kind to myself and allow my new pace of life to take its course free of judgment. I respect the person I was before becoming a mother and I am grateful for the person I am becoming as a new mama; it’s an opportunity to morph into new skin, literally and metaphorically.
Poppy Seed Health is helping birthing people connect to doulas and midwives throughout their journeys. We often hear from people with grown kids: I wish I’d known about you when I was pregnant or experiencing postpartum! How do you feel like we would/could have helped you in your pregnancy and/or birthing experience?
In so many ways!!! Just having a professional to discuss the complex idea of motherhood for starters would have been clutch. I was frantic in the early stages of pregnancy as I had so many questions and little to no trust in the American health care system. It took me a few OBs and doulas to find the right birthing team. As it was a vulnerable time for both me (being black and pregnant) and the world (dealing with the race and health pandemics), I was so grateful to have found the right team for my family. I know Poppy Seed Health would have answered so many of my questions and helped soothe my nerves in that first half of the pregnancy and well into postpartum.
BEING
No amount of preparation—books, the Internet, friendly advice, etc.—can truly prepare you for real deal parenthood. You really have to get your hands dirty (yes, literally) to know. What came as the biggest shock to you after giving birth?
Again—so many things! Physically, I had no idea how the heck my vagina or tummy would return to anything familiar but miraculously they have and it took much less time than I expected. My body is definitely not exactly the same as it was pre-baby but that’s fine, I pushed a whole human out of me!
The belly button/umbilical cord coming off for baby—good lord!
The hormonal swings coupled with the lack of sleep… hopefully everyone has forgiven me for I had no idea who I was those first few weeks postpartum.
Oh and the terrifying moment you have to take your first poop or sneeze post-delivery. There are some tricks for this that should be more known! (My mom prepared flax seed for me to drink every morning.)
Also breastfeeding… I had no idea how hard it was! At least for me, it was a very challenging experience and I wish that it was spoken about more sans judgment. The intense pain of chapped, sore, bloody nipples, the stress of not producing enough milk and adhering to a pumping schedule, plus the judgment about how to feed your baby. It’s all really too much.
People (friends, family, doctors, etc.) tend to discount or downplay the time it takes for postpartum recovery. Are you willing to tell us a little bit about your recovery experience? Did it align with your expectations or did anything/everything come as a surprise?
I was really surprised with how quickly my body healed. I know this isn’t the case for all mothers and I was really afraid of the physical pain of labor and recovering so I am deeply grateful for my experience. As a model, my body is part of my career, so mentally I prepared myself that I may never return to what I was pre-baby. Postpartum is such a deep dive in self-exploration, I feel like I’m constantly redefining myself and expanding my limits.
Speaking of things we discount… no one can truly prepare us for the lack of time that truly belongs to us after birth. Once our children arrive, they are so much more than our sole purpose—they are our every thought and our every move. Sometimes finding time to go to the grocery store for 40 minutes, or shower for 10 minutes, or, let’s be real, get to the bathroom can fill us with feelings of guilt. Did you find yourself having similar feelings? Because it’s far from abnormal, so let’s unpack that a bit.
The guilt started when I was pregnant: am I eating enough of this or that? Is she feeling all of my emotions? Am I prepared enough? Should I be doing more or less?
Some say that those are your motherly instincts kicking in preparing for the baby's arrival. But when the baby is here, the guilt continues to expand. Ultimately, I know that the more I pour into myself the more I can pour into my child so I try to remind myself of this when I feel the guilt creep in.
In line with the above: parenting requires us, I think, to be super strategic and calculated with our every move. There’s a newfound thoughtfulness to the things we carve out time for. (Don’t get us started on why we think women—titans of time management, epic empathizers, and master multi-taskers should run every company…) But what does carving time out look like for you and your family, and how does work/life balance come into play?
On weekends or when we can catch a break between work hours, my husband and I are intentional about spending time with our daughter as well as ourselves. We’ll go for walks, meals, head to museums and book stores. Recently, we made promises to commit a certain amount of “me” hours dedicated to the arts and hobbies that fulfill us. And since our extended family lives in different cities, we make time to travel to see them so our daughter grows up knowing her community.
“Recently, we made promises to commit a certain amount of “me” hours dedicated to the arts and hobbies that fulfill us.”
“Mom guilt” feels so cliche and overused, but it’s a very real feeling. Are there things you prioritize or time for yourself that you’re not willing to give up? And what does that do for you (and your psyche) in the long-run as a mother and partner?
I won’t give up exercise. When a week or more goes by it really affects my psychological state, not just my physical. Even if it’s fifteen minutes while the baby naps or with her joining me, I try to squeeze it in. Plus, in the long-run, good health and longevity is beneficial to my family as a mother and partner.
In your own words, how would you define “sacred moments” in pregnancy and/or motherhood?
It’s indescribable. I would be annoyed with an answer like this from parents when I’d ask them about pregnancy or their experiences with their children as I was searching for something. But now as a mother, I understand why they say that… the best I can define it is when I had first felt her fluttering kicks in my belly, or when I look into her deep, dark brown eyes now, the boundless, unconditional love takes me through centuries in the past and future all at the same time. It’s the best, most humbling and vulnerable feeling in this existence.
Any sage advice or wisdom you’d care to share for the new (or soon-to-be new) parents out there?
Surrender and live in the moment because it really truly does go by fast—despite what you may think those first few weeks postpartum. Hang in there, be kind to yourself, and know that you’re not alone in this!